Improving the Quality of Your Romantic Relationships

Those who have been in a committed relationship know that challenges always come up. And when you have children, there are even bigger challenges. Sometimes there are arguments and tension, but consider this. The moment there is a threat to a child’s welfare, all disagreements are instantly put aside, and you rush to save the child. Isn’t it true?

When two people enter a committed relationship there are no longer only two entities. The two give birth to a third entity. They give birth to a baby. This baby is the relationship itself.

And the only way this baby can survive, grow and mature, is if the individual ego of each partner is less important than the baby and are immediately cast aside when the welfare of the baby-- of the relationship-- is threatened.

One of the ways to help your romantic relationship thrive is to have regular “state of the union” dialogues. That is, once a week create a special time (it may be only 10-15 minutes,) during which you sit in front of each other and ask questions like “Where are we as a couple?” “Has there being anything that we must discuss?” If one or both of the partners has grievances the other is not to explain why they did what they did, unless they are specifically asked, but to say, “I am sorry this…whatever the problem is, made you feel uncomfortable, what can I do to make things better for you?”

A “state of the union” discussion will be most fruitful when sharing statements are used, as opposed to accusations. Try your best to focus on the following:
1. How you feel (not what your partner did to you).
2. What makes you uncomfortable (not how insensitive your partner acted).
3. Which of your needs are not satisfied.(not what your partner is lacking).
4. What steps you feel your partner could make that would make it better.

It is also very important to acknowledge your partner’s feelings and needs, and to offer ways in which you can meet those needs.

If you feel angry before speaking to your partner do the following mental
exercise:
Close your eyes and breathe out gently three times. Long slow exhalations. Nice and easy inhalations. Breathing out twice as slow as breathing in. Now, find yourself inside of your anger; in any way you can see it. Sense and feel yourself being totally surrounded by it. Breathe out one time. Knowing that anything is possible, find your way out of anger, and look at it from the distance. Decide what you want to do with it; you can burn it, you can burry it in the earth, you can sink it in the ocean, or you can let it be taken by the wind. Do it. Breathe out one time. Bring into the newly vacated space something beautiful. When ready, open your eyes.

Above all remember the mirror principle is true for any relationship, particularly for close ones. Most often your partner possesses qualities that you need to develop, and you posses qualities that he/she needs. Your partner is your teacher/student. Make your life lesson enjoyable.